WONDER WHERE THEY ALL GO?

Where do they all go?

          It was the question that intrigued me as I stood watching the casket of my grandma being lowered into the grave. I, as a child having lost my life’s only anchor, was crying my heart out. But as soon as this question gripped my brain I stopped crying. Surely, it is not possible for someone to come out of nowhere and go into nowhere. Surely there has to be a destination. Quest to solve this riddle, I learn has made saints out of men.  As I grew up, the question lost its sheen as I busied myself growing up. It was not forgotten. I didn’t know that it was lurking somewhere within me till it surfaced with its full intensity as I stood at the crematorium on a Sunday witnessing another customary 'send-off'.

Where do they all go from here?

          As I stood watching the near and dear ones of the departed, somber in sorrow, I also noticed few who moved purposefully doing something. But there were many, who I felt were disengaged while a few were busy catching up with others. The funeral place was indeed a kaleidoscope of emotions. It dawned on me that once our dear ones depart, we are left holding on to the mortal remains, mourn over it and then as customs dictate, either consign it to the flames or confine it to the graves. Wasn't it just the mortal remains we are left with at the grave or the pyre? But we care for the mortal remains knowing that the actual person has departed.

Where did our dear ones depart to?

Can one depart without knowing the destination?

          As I watch my friend's mother's lifeless body on the tray of the electric crematorium, I notice the eternal calm on her face.  Beyond the solemnity of the situation, above the sobs that occasionally puncture the silence and deeper than the stoic calm my friend display, my mind is on fire.

Where did she actually go?

The calm on her old serene face told me that it was not the face of a person who had set out without the knowledge of a definite destination.

          Visions of the past came gushing in. My eye lids dropped. I was flown back to my grandma’s funeral, my dad’s final journey and my mom’s last moments.

          I was witness to my grandma, dad and mom crossing over. I was actually holding grandma and dad when they decided or some power somewhere decided it’s time for them to cross over. Their transition or crossing over was very peaceful. My mom on the other hand, was not at peace when she crossed over. Mom had been sick for very long and had suffered for more than 25 years. Logically she should have been eager to cross over whereas dad was okay till the end save for his blood pressure and diabetes. He had work left to do as my brother was not settled yet. He never wanted to leave the security of his own house but settled to leave his nest for my house for his final departure. I too would have loved to see him going from his own bed which he always used, but circumstances forced me to shift him to my place by air, care for him and mom.

         

          Although dad and I had not enjoyed the best of relationship, I for some strange reason feel that my bond with him is now growing. I feel him, very often, communicating. Having made peace with my stupidly rebellious ways, he seems to be gently guiding me in everything. I am often left teary eyed when I think of him and how turbulent our relation was. I always loved and respected him though I resented the way he discriminated. I often feel that he has started understanding me now and I feel that I communicate better with my father! The rationalist would say I have gone bonkers. Most would give up on me saying that it is my subconscious playing tricks on me. But a few, may be very few, would agree to what I just.

         

          Surely the departed ones don’t become nothing. Surely they must be somewhere. How does it matter in what form or space they exist?

          I suddenly realize that the body was being moved. The tray was aligned and the operator pulled the lever. The furnace doors opened and the tray effortlessly moved into the electric furnace and the door automatically closed behind the tray.

          I sense a strange calm descend over me. The body had been left behind for the soul to pursue its eternal journey to meet the divine. I feel light. I look at people consoling my friend, the son of the “departed”. Each one puts on a somber sad face as if to console him for a loss. I just walk up and hug him, smile and say, “Buddy you are a lucky man, you are blessed”. I don’t know why I said what I said, what it means and how it will work.  

          I am calm and happy for the departed for she has found a new destination, a new pursuit.

          I am no more afraid of death. I know it will come when it has to. I walk out of the crematorium, more certain of life that I was ever before. I have little time left to do good. Let me make the best out of it. Let me travel with you in joy, creating joy for others.

DELAY AND DENY

   One often hears the saying, " Justice delayed is justice denied" . It is often quoted in the corridors of law depending upon who wants to use it, where and when. Irrespective of who quotes it, the underdog stands to suffer the consequences. There were times when I wondered, how delay impacts the affected and afflicted but never actually gave much importance to it.. Not till now. Not till it hit me personally. 

   I shudder at the very thought of going to a police station or court. Like all law abiding citizens, I have tried my best to be on the right side of law. Such was life till now, I didn't have to get into a civil court room ever.  I have been to departmental courts where mostly I was presiding and so ensured speedy objective disposal with scant regard to positions, personality or influences. Consequently, I was entrusted either with complicated cases that guaranteed severe personal adverse implications either from the powerful or from the accused. Once I was a witness and suffered, though truth, I still feel, was with me. That brought me to conclude, jurisprudence and truth necessarily need not be congruent or coexistent.  The more I realised it, the more I dreaded being around a court. Movies and the court scenes only helped add the distaste and fear.

   I was groomed to believe that my organisation was fair and just. I always quoted my career path as an example of my organisation's  objectivity. For a person known to be blunt and forthright, I was an example of how an organisation counted just professionalism towards promotion of its subjects. I was selected for specialised training although I never approached anybody, never gave myself to subservience and never greased palms. My subordinates openly wondered how I managed to work the way I work, when most seemed to believe that maneuvering was inevitably the key to the journey up the ladder. for most, I was nothing more than a maverick awaiting the assured fall from grace. it was only a question of time and cause. Seeing me, some were naive to start changing their ways.  It is then lightening struck. 

   I was tipped to be promoted. There were adequate vacancies. But when the list of promotable came up, my name was missing. I was shocked. Logically I was high on merit. I was among the probables and based on promotability was selected for advanced training. I was sure to be there in the list of promotees. But the list did not show my name and naturally I was shocked and surprised. Surprisingly my friends were not. I was truly amazed seeing my friends behave as if they knew that my rejection was a forgone conclusion. Didn't I have all the requisites? Yes I had. Wasn't I selected for a promotability based training? Yes I was.  Was  I attributing more to myself than I actually was worth? I started questioning my ability to judge situations and scenarios. Over the next few evenings, I heard so many "we told you" comments. I was riddled with advice to fight the system. I was adamant ant did not want to question the system that was objective and fair to me all these years. It was then that one of my colleagues who had pipped me met me. He was high on ego and commented something nasty. i am thankful to him for it was his insensitive comment stemmed from successful manipulation that prompted me to fight.

   My belief in the objectivity and fairness of my organisation soon evaporated. At each step i was stonewalled. they did not give me any response and came across frightening silence on each of my question. The stipulated time passed by and I could make out that they were ignoring me. I decided to take legal recourse. I file an application. Ever since then, I am up and down the corridors of law. I gather from my lawyer that there are distinct differences between justice and truth. Justice, often needs support of strong court craft and court craft involves floor management. I am now on the floor managing myself for the justice I look for. I have now grown used to date after date. I  assure myself that justice is just around that corner across that one "date". 

   This piece of  justice doesn't matter to my existence. think of those behind bars for no fault and think of those criminals who roam free because some smart lawyer has strong court craft to boast.  You don't need to be wise to sense the futility and frailty of the system. Faith i am losing in this labyrinth called law. Faith I refuse to leave on natural justice. but i know justice can easily be denied through delay.

  Fight? I am still on. Give up? No way.

POST SCRIPT: LATE INTO THE NEXT YEAR AND AFTER FEW 'DATES', I WON THE FIGHT.

LIFE BUDGETTED

The intricacies of budgeting..
Those who have don't spend it..
Those who want it don't get it..
As i try balance cheese and chalk..

Lord, isn't this real life??

Why don't we know what to ask for!!
Why don't we know what to do with what we have..
Why waste a life chasing name and fame
That at best can be reached grabbed and stacked?

How kind of Him.. he doesn't give all that we ask for

How relevant the prayer..
Lord give me this day my daily bread..
so meaningful so beautiful..

As i look back at these 28 years of matrimonial bliss..
Of holding hands and walking the worlds weird ways..

Through thick and thin.. difficult days
Making us grow more fond of each other
Tough times sticking us closer together
Each one holding the other dearer

We built our life brick by brick,
Against odds seemingly insurmountable
in this life's perilous journey
Her perseverance and patience come forth in shine
i am awash in her love and care..
Free to be what i am, wild tethered yet free

Thanks dear friends, our ring fence
embracing us to keep perils away
in joys and sorrows to laugh and crywith us
sharing what we have in laughter loud
accepting us just for our hearts

These 28 years that seem just 28 days..
two beautiful girls and two lovely sons..
hugging us close and making me feel an emperor
My cup runneth over my lord,
Awake me not, my lord from this dream..
let me dream some more..

if indeed you need me to wake up
Let me wake up in your presence, in your hands
hold not my trespasses against me, the least against her
let me travel a bit more,
With her a bit more
let me dream a bit more
and savour this life's nectar bit more

Thank you Lord for this beautiful journey
Give me strength to forgive others as i wish others forgive me
Cleanse me that i am worthy
of the dreams i have lived all these years

To all my friends who have been part of my life all these years thank you for being there
we are grateful to each one of you for making our lives so beautiful