ABCD of Everything : Always Being in Control of Destiny

 

“Gee Ma I wanna go home…” 

There are many versions of the famous song "Life in the army, they say it is mighty fine.” Everything aside, once in the army; forever the army within. Everything about the Army is practical and everything practical has theories behind it. Modern management theories, related to organisational aspects, individual behaviour and group dynamics have its roots in military practices. Indian Army officers, irrespective of the stream they are commissioned into, spend the lion share of their army life learning and climbing the hierarchical army ladder involves intense competition.   

I was a young captain, married and with two children. I also wanted to do well. The first real hurdle was a merit based competitive examination for admission to two prestigious institutions. The number of seats was fixed.  One could attempt only thrice. I was attempting it for the first time and I wanted to clear it. The exam had six papers. One paper had more than a hundred books prescribed. Current affairs and general knowledge paper had no prescribed books but anything under the sun or beyond could be asked. One was law. We could use five terribly unwieldy books. That made it even more difficult. Other papers had much less texts to cover but were no less fierce. 

One for Three  

I was spending 18 hours a day reading and the overload was beginning to show. Well-wishers discouraging me far outnumbered the few who said “there's no harm in trying at least once.'' “You have two more chances,” some rubbed it in even harder. “I am sure you will easily make it,” my wife said. She was the only person who seemed to trust me even when I doubted occasionally. I felt I must do a mid-course check. I approached a senior who had cleared the exam a few years ago.  

Sunday evenings are the best for such occasions. He was kind enough to call me over. A good senior, he poured me a whiskey, sat me down and asked me a question from the syllabus. I knew the answer. I took time to organise my thoughts and answered him. I was very happy with my performance. I took the first sip of the whiskey. “How's the whiskey?” He asked.  

He did not wait for my response.  

“The examination is for three hours. The maximum mark possible is 500. Keep five minutes for reading the question paper, 10 towards the end to check what you have written and five as reserve, you only have 160 minutes to score 500 marks. So 16 minutes for 50 marks. Every minute you spend in the examination hall is worth more than three marks,” he said.  I had nothing to say. I almost choked on the first sip, still in my mouth. 

“Your response to my question was excellent. Let us say you score a perfect 10. You took about 10 minutes to answer me. So, you scored a perfect 10 against 38. Forget the merit list,” he said. My heart stopped for a second. He had mathematically demolished six months of my preparation. Yet, he seemed like a genuine benefactor.  

“Remember, time is an important element of response.  You may know a lot but never spend even a second more than what the maximum mark requires you to, because that is what you can score best. Efforts must be commensurate with the rewards expected. Give only as much time to anything as the expected outcome deserves. In life too, don't spend time on anything more than it's worth,” he sounded like a Guru.  

“In the exam hall, there is no time to think, organise and write. Your answers must flow from a mental picture. It must flow involuntarily from muscle memory. Brain is like a muscle. Use it more, stronger it becomes and better it performs,” he said. “Make a mental picture of a mechanised formation setting out to capture an objective deep in the enemy territory,” he said. I visualised every step of the huge process. The formation with all its elements, leaving its concentration area as per the order of march, advancing towards the objective, establishing a bridgehead, bypassing unwanted distractions posed by smaller objectives enroute, containing those without depleting its main force, contacting the objective, and destroying it. “Oh, ABCD,” I said. He then asked me two questions. The answers were faster, easily organised and to the point. “Practise, you can do it better,” he said. 

“This is the only piece of advice I can give. Hope it helps. Cheers,” he said, raising his glass. I had forgotten my glass of whiskey lying on the side table. Army guys call it a peg table! “Cheers,” I said, picking up my glass. The whisky tasted great. I picked up the cue and left.  

Sacred Space 

Finally, it was exam time. I knew the answers to each question in the paper. So did everybody else. Maybe they knew more. We all had prepared for at least one year and some even more. Many were appearing the second time and a few the third. Silence in the hall was deathly till the second hour. Then the calls “sir,” started coming. Initially it was just a few. with many calling out, it turned into a chorus. The two invigilators were straining to answer each call. Having filled the main answer book, people were calling for additional sheets. They had much to write. Most of them first attempted questions they thought they knew best. They wrote everything they knew about it filling sheets, surpassing word limits. Irrespective of what was written, they could not have scored more than the maximum allotted marks. Having delved more on the few they knew best, they had less for all others they knew.  

I attempted serially from the beginning. I picked up parts relevant to what was asked from the picture in my head. My answers were short and in point form. I left enough space at the end of each answer so that I could come back and add if need be. I did that too; I had enough time. I took no additional sheets. When the results were published, I found space in the merit list. Many who used additional sheets did not make the merit.  

I used the same technique during the course also. I secured an “Alpha’ grade and the coveted ‘instructor’ certification. I became adept at using this technique to my advantage. It has helped me do well in all the competitive examinations and all the training programmes ever since. It helped me in efficiently deploying the fishbone techniques in investigations, defect identification, and arriving at the best possible outcomes. 

‘ABCD’ of Things 

I extensively use the technique in my training programmes also. Over a period, I learnt to retool it to deal with issues in real life. I call it ‘ABCD’ of things.  

Irrespective of longevity, life is a marathon, a race to an objective in depth. Our existence in a society is a continuum of changing situations, an amalgam of interpersonal relationships and intrapersonal equilibrium. Whether we want it or not we have to deal with people, good or bad and situations favourable or unfavourable. Assigning the quantum of relevance is very important for the outcome, short and long term. But how? 

Advance Assessing 

Classic mechanised formation consists of many tanks, combat vehicles, artillery, anti-aircraft guns, attack helicopters, and a myriad of logistics elements with people to operate each of it. Housed in barracks, it is an idle resource. Its potential is best elicited when it advances towards the objective according to a plan. Both adversaries have resources. Only one emerges victorious. ABCD makes the difference.   

Each one of us is like a mechanised formation. Inactive, we too are idle resources. Unless we have an objective to advance towards, there is no progress. Life without purpose is only existence. When we advance, we will come across obstacles big and small, opponents strong or weak, and situations benevolent or vicious. We may have to tread unfamiliar terrains. Some may even be deceptive. But advance we must. Nothing must stop us.  

Advancing in life calls for assessing people and situations. When it comes to people, we have the choice to associate or dissociate, engage, or ignore, cooperate, or compete. Choice of the option depends on the inevitably of the person to our objective and the accuracy of our assessment. 

Assessment of situations must also be linked to our objectives. It must result in determining the extent of our association. Situations existential or vital to our objective will need intense participation. Others can receive differential intervention. Some though irritating can be ignored or avoided while a few may need to be contained 

Bridge or bypass 

Dissipating force levels to address distractions enroute to the objective severely erodes momentum of operations. The long line of trucks and tanks on the road to Kiev, unless so planned, was the result of poor assessment by someone and poorer execution by everyone else. Assault on Kiev could never be mounted and victory remains elusive. With innumerable imponderables, life too is like that.  

The trickiest of imponderables in life are people, each one driven by their own inadequacies and insecurity. There are many who we must associate with. Launch bridges to reach them. Even if they are not inclined to, keep the bridge head open. There will be many who we should not associate with. Bypass unwanted distractions. Beware of pretenders.  

Avoid and ignore people who are detrimental.  At times it may not be possible due to spatial constraints. Requirements of societal life may dictate coexistence with rabid, unreliable, selfish people. They may be our relatives, colleagues, neighbours and even sworn enemies. Their mere presence may be festering. But, giving them time more than what they deserve will cost us our objective. Engage only to contain them, otherwise bypass. At times we have to bear with unbearable. Call it luck!

 

Nothing is permanent. Situations, like seasons, will change. Good going can turn bad and bad become good. When going is good and weather favourable, race along and cover as much ground as possible. When it hits turbulence, manage the present, look beyond the immediate, cast the bridge beyond to establish the bridgehead and surge through the obstacle. When the situation is incomprehensible, persevere and hang on. At times it is best to retreat to recoup and relaunch elsewhere. Buy or bide time but static kills.  Create the picture that you want to see ahead. In most cases it fructifies. Accuracy of assessment is the key. 

Cooperate or Competing to Capture  

Even successful operations do not go exactly as planned. Victors in war seldom win all battles. Individual battles do not aggregate to decide the outcome of a war though each loss in the battle has a price. The loss in one battle could negate all the victories so far and cut short the campaign itself. History is replete with examples.  

It is important to understand that today is not the only day in life and today's success or failure does not necessarily define our ultimate success or failure.  Life is not even the sum of successes and failures. However, giving up for good, giving no chance to oneself to pick up the gauntlet once again essentially terminates the journey in defeat. There are times when we must decide between cooperating and competing. It is natural to hesitate but devastating to be indecisive.  Deciding not to respond could be a good decision but that coming from indecision is detrimental.  

When it comes to people it is not necessary to win over all the people we meet. Many are not worth any effort. Let barking dogs bark and beware of the ones that could bite. Success lies in identifying whom and assessing how much. Similarly, when it comes to situations, we may be called upon to decide whether we should continue or give up. Cardinal rule is not to reinforce failure and the caveat; all easy goings do not lead to success. 

Dictating Destiny 

There is a sense of helplessness when we talk of ‘Taqdir’, ‘Bahgya’ or Destiny. Many, even when they achieve prominence by sheer ‘Bhagya,’ ‘Taqdeer’ or destiny, create stories of struggle and a fictional army of opponents they had overcome. Destiny is not always limited or facilitated by the accident of birth or natural turn of events.  Success comes when we decide our objective, define our journey, and doggedly persevere. 

Success comes to those who can dictate their own destiny. In most cases they even define others destiny.

I am Happy I Lost a Few Crores

 A LESSON WITH MALICE TOWARDS NONE

It was our wedding anniversary.  My wife and I had been receiving calls wishing us well. A few years back, when I was working, there used to be an endless stream of calls and cards congratulating us and wishing us many years of happiness. I returned all the calls and replied to all the cards. Now that I am retired, we get much fewer calls and cards. It doesn't upset us at all. We knew that positions that facilitate felicitations. We still receive calls and cards. We cherish them. The reduction in numbers is compensated by the length of each call.

This year, I received an unexpected call. 

 

It was about 2:45 in the afternoon. I had just woken up from my siesta. The call was from someone I knew. We both had retired around the same time. We had not spoken for years. He called in to wish us a great wedding anniversary. I was surprised. 

“What do you do to keep yourself occupied?” he asked. 

“I spend time reading and writing. I blog and vlog. I am also working on a book. Once in a while I get a corporate training assignment,” I said.

“That's very good. I have been regularly reading your blog. You take up something from everyday life and bring out profound lessons. You write really well. I am impressed. I am eagerly looking forward to your book,” he said. I loved that ego massage.  

Now, it was my turn. “How do you spend time?” I asked. 

“I am an entrepreneur. I make some good money. I raked in a few crores last year.  I expect better results this year. Even during the pandemic we did some real good business,” he sounded very matter of fact. 

I always had this feeling that people in business are always busy and short of time. He sounded very casual and relaxed. I was  happy for him. The conversation culminated with both of us promising to be in touch. Like all successful businessmen, he had an urgent call to attend to.

He kept his promise. 

Two weeks later he called me up. I had just reached my study after my siesta. We exchanged some pleasantries. 

“You seem to be vacationing like there’s no tomorrow,” I said. I had seen, over the social media, a lot of photographs of him and his family enjoying themselves at different places. 

“Actually my work requires me to travel. We took out time to enjoy ourselves. I have teams across many cities in India and few abroad. I have a team in your state also,” he said.  I was very impressed.

 

“Jacob, do you want to get into business?” he asked. 

“Knowing how honest and committed you are, I think you should be able to make some good money for yourself,” he said. 

I didn't answer. I was stumped, clear and clean. It took me a little while to compose myself. I was definitely not interested. My hands were already full with activities I love. I wanted to be polite while declining the offer. 

“What is the business?” I asked. 

“E-commerce, like Amazon,” he replied. 

I was sceptical. “Can you fill in some details?” I asked. 

“That, I will tell you in due course of time,” he said. 

“Wait, let me check if I can make you speak to my mentor,” he said. 

He put me on hold and made a quick call to somebody. “Jacob, you are lucky. He is a very busy man. Luckily, he has a slot free the day after. He  agreed to speak with you the day after at 3 o'clock. I will send you a video link tomorrow. We both can connect about 10 minutes before, chat up for sometime and he can  join at three,” he said.

“Thoughtful or something else?” I wondered. 

“What is the business all about? What is the name of your company?” I did not let him go. 

“I am not inclined to get into any business,” I said.  

“There is no compulsion Jacob. Hold your horses till the day after. After listening to my mentor, if you think you want to, we can discuss. I recommend you ask your wife also to join the call,” he replied.  

“Mentor? We both held high ranks in the hierarchy. We mentored many while  in service.  Why do you now need a Mentor?" I asked. 

“Jacob, that is where we go wrong. We all have our specific areas of competence. Everywhere else we need someone to hand hold us, at least to start with. My mentor is much younger to me. He is an alumnus of IIT and IIM. An expert in the business, he helped me set up mine. Now I am on my own running a hugely successful venture. I am making money like never before,” he said. 

It seemed like a pep talk intended to shake me out of my slumber and motivate me to dive in to look for the big money bag. “Beware,” my insides screamed. 

“I am not interested in doing any business. I would just like to enjoy what is left of my life without taking any more tension,” I said. 

“Don't worry. You don't have to invest anything now but your competence,” he replied. "Jacob, I have a meeting scheduled. We will catch up the day after," he said. Our conversation ended abruptly. 

My mind was fast at work. Something was not right. Over the cup of tea in the evening my wife and I discussed and decided to let the offer wade by.

Two days later as promised he connected. "Where is Mrs Jacob?"  he asked. “She will not be joining,” I told him. Few moments later his mentor joined live. 

“What is your dream in life?” he asked after the initial pleasantries. 

Running fast towards 64, my bucket list was already complete. I had decided to take life one day at a time. “I am looking forward to publishing my book,” I said. 

“That's great. You must be wanting to do something more in life," he prodded. 

“I have got more than what I deserved and desired. We love travelling. We are doing everything we want to. We are happy with life,” I said.

“Travel abroad? You need lots of money,” he said. 

“Not much. We plan, save and travel,”I replied.

“You fly business class?” he was not letting go. 

Clearly, he was leading me somewhere. I decided to go along.  

“I take the cheapest ticket available,” I said.

“ Why not  business class?” he asked. 

“No. With the money I have, I can either travel longer in economy or shorter in business class. I prefer the longer option,” I replied. 

“Would you mind flying business class?” he asked.  

“Who would?” I replied

“If you have sufficient money you can fly business class across the world all your life,” he said.

I sensed where we were headed to. “Who doesn't know that?” I asked. 

 

“I was also like you. Even after passing out from IIT and IIM, my wife and I were mere employees and had to think twice before spending. Now we make so much money we don't have to think how to spend it. We have made enough that we can travel anywhere we want whenever we want.  Now my business is making money on its own. I don't have to work. My wife and I get a lot of time together,” he said, trying to draw me into that world of abundance, opulence and free time.

“That is indeed great and I am very happy for you. I am already doing all that without the kind of money you are talking about. My wife and I get to spend the whole day together happily talking to each other. We share the daily chores together. I don't need the kind of money you have to be happy. To be honest, the money I have is more than enough for me. I don't think money can help me be happy,” I said.

“What about your medical expenses? You are getting old and as time goes by you will need more money for your health related issues,” he said.

I could not help but laugh out loud.  “I am very clear about it. I have already told my wife and children what to do when I am sick and cannot control what is being done to me. I have told them that I do not want to prolong life without dignity. I have also told them what to do with my body. I have insurance that should cover me for all normal sicknesses. I am not hanging on for nothing,” I said.

“You mean to say you have already attained Zen state?” he asked.

I did not know whether it was a taunt or he actually meant it. “I think so,” I replied.

“I possibly cannot help you,” he said.

“I didn't seek help to be happy,” I replied.

Clearly, the conversation did not go well. He went out of the call with a curt goodbye. My former colleague also  disconnected with a quick goodbye. I have never heard from them thereafter.

Recently, my wife and I were travelling with my colleague. In the course of our conversation he told us of a similar experience. The conversation he had, followed the same pattern. In fact he went a little further in the process but stopped just short of investing a sizable chunk of his life savings. Many people fall for the sweet talk, the dreams of unlimited flow of money and the good things that come with it and about how one can make millions through the ‘get quick rich fast’ schemes. It's not small amounts that they end up losing. Some of them end up losing their entire savings. Sad but true, those luring us with calls are mostly people whom we know or trust. Most of those calling up are themselves trapped into the web of deceit and greed. They might have been ignorant, naïve or greedy to get into it but they are simply cunning and heartless to get someone known into the quicksand they got into.

Escape comes from having the ability to distinguish between ‘need’, ‘want’ and ‘greed’. 

In Malayalam it is referred to as ‘atyavasyam’, ‘avasyam’ and ‘anavasyam’. ‘Atyavasyam’ or the unavoidable (inescapable requirements) are our needs or necessities. Without these, life can be miserable. Food, shelter, clothing, education, medical care, insurance, transport and such like things fall in the category of needs. One must have money for acquiring these. 

‘Wants’ or ‘avasyam’ make life more comfortable. Better quality of food, good house in an upscale locality, adequate clothing, access to good education and medical care, the quality of things that one possess etc fall in the category of wants. Better or higher the platform, the more comfortable life becomes. One needs more money for it. Unfortunately there is no end to betterment. The problem is about defining one’s needs and determining the limits of wants. The envelope is  infinitely stretchable and the boundary between ‘want’ and greed is invisible. One may not realise when one has left the decent boundaries of want and has strayed into the layer of greed. Many who fall prey to scamsters and their ways are the ones who have recently strayed into the layer of greed.

Happiness is the ability to be satisfied. Wisdom is knowing where to draw boundaries.

Looking back, I might have lost many crores but I surely preserved a few lakhs. I am happy about that loss.

 

American Chop Suey Syndrome

 "I am ready. Let us go," said my wife when I reached home from the office. It was a 'half day' in the office and I did not have to return to work. We had decided the previous day itself that we would be eating out that noon.

Tezpur in 1987 was not like what it is now. There were not many eating places to choose from. We reached Tezpur only a few months before and had not yet explored the place. I also had not received much PCK (Previous Course Knowledge) about the place. PCK, in the army, refers to the inputs including notes, old question-papers and other tips, normally a senior gives to the junior in the same regiment or unit, about a training course he or she had attended. Over the course of time PCK extended its reach and now covers almost everything that one passed on to a new arrival or junior in the regiment or unit. Obviously, not many in the unit had gone out to eat. There were reasons. Officers and their families mostly went out in the evenings after office hours and came back late after dinner. The law and order situation prevailing then was not considered safe enough for evening outings. Moreover, Tezpur was away from the unit. 

Mobile Phones and Google Maps were not even distant dreams those days. With absolutely no PCK in hand, the only other way to find a good restaurant was to actually try out each one physically. Driven by hunger and not one to upset my lady, I decided to explore. It was also my first trip out to the town. I had just my sense of direction and the will to persevere to help. I kicked my Royal Enfield bullet to life and set out with my wife and child. Tezpur town was a good half an hour's drive. We drove through the empty road, reached the town and looked around. We couldn't find any 'good looking' places to eat in. With hunger pangs taking over, I homed on to a small little place where a bright board hanging outside said in English, "Chinese food". 

I stopped my bike and asked the guy, sitting outside the rickety restaurant, if they served lunch. The guy was very friendly. He called us right inside and seated us. We were the only ones. We were very hungry. The fastest he could give was a plate of 'Hakka' noodles. We ordered a plate to quell our hunger. We love trying out new dishes. We asked him what he could make special for us. 

He suggested that we try American Chop suey. I had not heard of this dish before and the name sounded intriguing enough to be experimented with. It was ironic that the two sworn class enemies, capitalists and the communists, came together to make something edible.  Both of us had never tried it before. We placed the order for the first plate of American Chop Suey of our lives. It had soft noodles , topped with fried noodles and poured over it was a rich tomato sauce. over it rested an egg bulls eye, perfectly done. We both fell in love with the rich sweet, sour and filling concoction. That was in 1987. Ever since, whenever we go to a restaurant that serves Chinese fare, we order a plate of American Chop Suey. 

It has been 36 years! We have tried American Chop Suey at countless restaurants all over India. We tried it in Thailand, Singapore and Malaysia where I thought I could get authentic American Chop suey. We  ordered it even in America. But not one has ever measured up anywhere near the American Chop Suey*, we ate in that little wayside eating place that day. Our children have grown up. They now treat us to dinners. When they take us to restaurants where Chinese fare is served they invariably order American Chop Suey hoping that we will, one day, find something like our first plate of American Chop Suey. 

Yesterday, my wife and I were sitting and enjoying a bowl of Thukpa she had prepared. I brought up the topic of 'that plate'  of American Chop Suey. “That American Chop Suey is a huge lesson for life," I told her. She looked at me quizzingly. I reiterated, "Yes. There is a huge lesson for life in our search for the ‘that’ American Chop suey". In fact it is the ultimate tool to  understand problems in personal life and interpersonal relationships. I call it the American Chop Suey Syndrome**. Let me explain.

The American Chop Suey we ate in a roadside ramshackle restaurant in 1987 might or might not have been the ultimate.  It tasted great and we were hooked on, for life.  Why? There are physiological, psychological and emotional reasons

We were very hungry. In a place we were not familiar with and struggling to find a place worthy to eat, we found a place with something to eat. Our physiological needs were immediately and completely met. It also addressed our fears and state of uncertainty. Our psychological needs were addressed. The person was very friendly and helpful. He saw to it that he first gave something to eat and then took time to make that chop suey. Our emotional needs of being specially cared for were also met. It was the first time we tasted a chop suey, adding  novelty to the experience.  Solace from hunger, secure feeling in a  place where we were total strangers, a sense of being cared for and the novelty of the dish created a halo around ‘that plate  of American Chop Suey’ making that experience uniquely beautiful and unforgettably tasty. Even today, it remains our most beautiful dining experience. That, to us, also remains the benchmark for dining experience. 

Though we haven't found ‘that very same’ Chop Suey, we have enjoyed excellent Chinese fares including American Chop Suey at many places. Comparison is inevitable but we haven't allowed comparison to mess up our dining experiences. We have come to terms, but the search continues. Allowing that one unique experience, in the distant past to mess up with the present is the most potent prescription for disaster. This is what actually happens in our daily lives and in our interpersonal relationships.

We know a few people, each of them amazing in their own ways, but having chosen to live in shells of misery of their own making. They are in perpetual search of that ‘American Chop Suey’, sitting at the dining table called life and messing up the current dining experience called ‘present’ paving way for a terrible experience, called tomorrow. They have chosen to walk forward looking backwards. Fall is inevitable. 

Once we experience something  good or bad we cannot wish it away or forget it, however hard we try. It just remains there, sometimes in the conscious and mostly in our subconscious. Interestingly, the recordings of the subconscious mind predominantly influences our decision making, our ability to process  and experience the present and plan our future. 

Many love affairs that culminate in marriages are potentially vulnerable to American Chop suey Syndrome. The partners during the novelty phase of courtship subconsciously record unique experiences and establish benchmarks for the other. Everything done later is vetted against the Chop Suey benchmark. Unfortunately the reality of life is starkly different from fantasies of romance but comparisons do not cease to exist. The oft heard phrase, “he was not like that” or “she was not like that '' are classic symptoms of the person suffering from ‘American Chop Suey Syndrome’. Sadly, longer the courtship, more likely the syndrome and more severe the impact.  Many courtships that do not eventually end up in permanence might also have been afflicted by American Chop Suey Syndrome to start with. Novelty wears off first, followed by dilution in emotional support, deterioration of psychological congruence and lastly physiological necessities. This order of degradation actually allows people to linger on in misery of dysfunctional relations longer than they should be.

It is not only confined to love affairs, marital relations or interpersonal relationships. It wreaks silent devastation in intrapersonal affairs. Secretive, selfish, insecure, violent, perverted people and liars are likely to be severely afflicted with American Chop Suey Syndrome. Most of them are likely to have suffered some childhood trauma creating indelible imprints that become benchmarks against which the individual evaluates every conversation, activity or incident. Responses from that person are aimed at addressing the need. They make a shell of misery for themselves and spread misery for others too.

interestingly, all of us do suffer from varying levels of American Chop Suey Syndrome. It is natural and to some extent required too. Most of us will turn around and deny its presence.  Denials apart, it is for us to decide whether we should be  sitting at the table of life and lament the shortcomings of the fare called today against what we wanted or just enjoy what we have. 

I enjoy my today, the way it is. I am also in search of a better tomorrow. I am also in search of 'that' elusive plate of American Chop Suey.

*With all respects to all the chefs who prepare American chop suey all over the world, my article is

in no way an insinuation or insult  to your capabilities. It is a personal experience and a lesson that

I have drawn for myself and one that i constantly tell people whom i train or help with to deal with

problems in their life

**This is purely my observation. It has NO scientific study to back up. You may look around and

decide for yourself. I didn't find any reference to the “American Chop Suey Syndrome’ on the net.

The Cat School and A Crown I Refuse to Give

It was quarter past 7 in the evening. Anne and I  were seated on the veranda chairs for our daily dose of post-dinner conversation. The day had been very warm. A cold moist breeze gently blew in. “It's raining somewhere,” I said. She didn't reply. She put a finger over her lips and then pointed towards the cat on the road.

We live in a gated community. The colony road, at its broadest outside our house, serves as a tiled pad for turning vehicles. The mother cat was there with her kitten. A child in the colony had brought the mother cat into the colony as a kitten. She was smart and grew up to be a beautiful cat. Ever since, tomcats in the neighbourhood viciously vie with each other for her affections. She litters regularly. 

Seated majestically, she had a rat under one of her paws. Her kitten sat curiously watching the rat struggling to escape. Without warning, she let the rat free. What followed was a hunt in slow motion. The rat ran for its life. The kitten seemed lost. Mama chased the rat, caught it, returned to where she was and settled down. Then without warning she released the rat again. The kitten chased the rat  but failed to catch it. Mama wouldn't let the lesson end in failure! The lesson was repeated a few times. The rat also must have got tired of futile attempts to escape. Finally, the kitten got it right and caught its first feast. “Efficient teacher,” remarked my wife. 

Jungle demands survival skills and matriarchs invest a lot in enabling progenies. What about us ? I wondered. 

There are more than one answer to each question in life. They are present around us. But it reveals itself only if one has the eye to see, ear to hear, head to decipher and heart to relate. I had my chance. This issue had come up for post-dinner discussion a few days before the ‘cat’ incident.

A friend of mine had recently ventured into the field of business. An attempt to start something, especially a business, that demands a lot of physical and mental commitment when one is well past sixty, the decision and follow through, the least to say, is incredible. My friend had retired from the army where he held a very senior position. He had a pension and could spend his days pursuing his passion. I was proud of him. “What prompted you to start this?” I asked. “See Jacob; I couldn't have handed over my designation to my son. But in business, I can anoint my children,” he replied. 

Awash with guilt for a moment,  I realised that I had done nothing like that for my girls. All along when they grew up, they were guaranteed only facilitation for their education. They had to be on their own for everything else. They did exactly that. They chose the field they wanted and toiled hard. One a Masters in Business Administration and CS and the other an IITian, they never disappointed me. They roughed it out in the wide open world and found their space.

Did I fail my children? 

Enabling progenies by creating a conducive environment is a parenting responsibility. Empowering them to achieve their goals is a step ahead. They have the authority to decide for themselves. They have the responsibility and therefore the accountability to themselves for what they have become or haven't. Handing over a crown and anointing them was never on my agenda. Did I abdicate my responsibilities?

There was no reason for me to grudge his reasons but his cause was at great variance with my convictions. Right and wrong is a matter of perception, a considered choice of every individual. He  might be right. 

Was his endeavour a pursuit of passions or driven by compulsions? Passions could be compelling but can compulsions become passions? Maybe!

It is said that survival is the toughest in The Savanna. Life and death are in an undetachable embrace there. Every death in Savanna sustains many others' life and every living thing, flora or fauna, is a potential death threat to another. Each mother in the wild Savanna knows that chances of survival of offspring depend solely on their ability to defeat death at every corner and every moment. We comfort ourselves in the belief that such life is confined only to the wild. We call it ‘Law of the Jungle’!

Think again. We could be wrong. They may be better off than we think.  A close look will reveal that odds stacked against human species are far more than that we currently comprehend. According to one study, the entire human population is cramped into less than 1.5 million square kilometers, a mere 1% of the total habitable land on the planet where as the wild animals have about 40 million square kilometers a whopping 38% as Forest. We normally speak about endangering other species by encroaching into their space, but remain silent and criminally oblivious to the unpardonable death and destruction we cause to our own species in the quest for religious, political or economic dominance. In such an environment, shouldn't we be enabling our offspring far better and more seriously than the mothers in the wild?

Unconsciously, it is the same parenting instinct, as in the wild, but greatly skewed that compels us to create tangible assets to be handed over to our offspring in the belief that they will take it forward and hand it over to their offspring. Unfortunately, inadequately enabled and insufficiently empowered, the recipients soon waste out the assets.

“पूत कपूत तो क्यों धन संचे,; पूत सपूत तो क्यों धन संचे" wasn't said in vain.  

Creating assets in pursuit of one's own passion is great, but driven by compulsions to crown the progeny may not always yield intended results. Each Empire and each Kingdom of the past bears testimony to this profound truth.

Pursuit is a personal choice and compulsion a state of helplessness.

I have no crown to handover.

Additional Input

For those interested

The planet can be divided as follows

Land mass -149 Million Square KMs ( 29%).

Oceans   - 361 Million Square Kms (71%).

Of the total landmass  (149 Million Square KMs)

106 Million Square KMs (71%) is habitable.

 15 Million Square KMs (10%) is Glacier

28 Million Square KMs (19%) is Barren Land

Of all the habitable land in the world (106 Million Square KMs )

48 Million Square KMs (46%) is used for Agriculture.  

40 Million Square KMs (38%) is Forest

<17 Million Square KMs (14%) is Shrubs

>1 Million Square KMs (1%) is settlement and Infrastructure

>1 Million Square KMs (1%) is Freshwater