“I need my space” is a common
refrain in agitated conversations between closely or intimately related
individuals. It happens when one feels that one’s spatial or emotional boundary
has been trespassed. Even small children now demand their Myspace.
I find it difficult to
comprehend the concept of an exclusive Myspace because I grew up in a
joint family. Siblings, and cousins, shared everything. We were okay with eating
from each other's plates and wearing one another's clothes. In the school
hostel, which consumed most of my childhood and adolescence, we shared cups,
plates, snacks, food, and clothes. Smokers amongst us clandestinely got
together to pull on the precious cigarette. We were united in our fear of being
caught by the teacher and the craving to do something elders openly did. The
only resentment was voiced when some, still novices, wet the cigarette end. Myspace
was alien.
A few years later, I got
married. The lady who walked into my life assumed free access to all my
physical possessions. She never asked to be permitted. I was conditioned well
enough to share my possessions. On the emotional plane, she was privy to all my
aspirations and apprehensions, dreams and despair, strengths, and weaknesses.
We just coexisted in every possible way. We had two children. They grew up with
free access to everything physical and emotional I owned. My four grandchildren
have inherited free access to every nook and corner in my house and mind. I am
over 65 and happily married for over 38. Myspace remains an alien.
Speaking to people who
regularly talk about ‘myspace,’ I realised it is less about geographical
boundaries to claim a personal space but more about erecting barricades in
their mind space to secure themselves from intrusions and scrutiny of prying
eyes. Physical distance was merely a means to erect insurmountable fences to
emotionally distance oneself from others. Otherwise, it was to do something hidden
from others. On the face of it, people asking to be left alone demand a
physical space they can call theirs, be themselves and be free to think or do
what they like. It may appear to be a very reasonable explanation. Does it mean, out
of their personal space they are not themselves? When someone claims a
physically segregated location for Myspace to be cocooned therein for
long is that person not avoiding people?
Wanting to spend time alone to pursue a hobby or finish a task without disturbance is okay. iI is also okay to be alone for a short while to tide over a bad mood or to hide an emotional outburst. But wanting to be left alone or locking oneself away from others as a habit is a telltale sign of something grievous that merits assistance. It normally points to, diffidence, trust deficit, fear, guilt, or poor self-esteem. If your child is doing so and insisting on keeping you out then it is time to investigate without being intrusive. Your timely intervention could be a lifesaver. If your spouse is doing so, you have missed all the other signs and it is time for you both, to sit down to talk. Between friends, it is a sign of distance. If a physical space, devoid of others, is what we consider Myspace then we are driven to loneliness. We could be mistaking loneliness for solitude[1]. Myspace to its owners is their comfort zone and secure getaway. Getaway from what? Mostly they liked to be left alone. Why should a person want to be left out? Is not leaving someone alone, letting that person become a castaway?
Can physical boundaries
separate us from the thoughts that torment us? Some think, that moving away
from the environment they are in, can help them carve out their Myspace. It
is a fallacy. Physical distances are no barriers to thoughts. Closed doors
cannot stop thoughts, fears, and inadequacies from haunting us. They are not
just our inseparable companions but coming from within they define us. We
cannot run away from ourselves however hard we try. If we feel the need
to move out of a place to carve out our Myspace away from others, it is
likely we are being overwhelmed by people, events or even our environment. The
answer lies not in surrendering our weapons and withdrawing but in committing
ourselves to address the causes. We must first identify the adversaries and adversities
and then strategize to overcome our inadequacies, confront our adversaries, and
manage our environment. Easier said than done, that is the best way forward.
How many battles can we bolt from?
We cannot exist in isolation.
We need to draw physiological and emotional nourishment from our surroundings.
How well we do it will dictate how well we grow. Success depends on our ability
to adapt. Retreating into illusionary safe cocoons would only provide temporary
relief. Such safe havens only bring our far-away battles closer to us and even
into us. It takes us away from reality, weakens us and makes reintegration
difficult and time-consuming. There are better coping techniques than
withdrawal.
With many spiritual gurus,
management experts, and life coaches talking about creating individual myspace
and spending time alone there, how can it be negative? A place in seclusion,
allowing us to recede from the current events, and people, weakens us and could
even prompt us to stop fighting. Negative thoughts, much like the social media
posts that we see fetching more of the same variety, invite more negative thoughts
triggering adverse responses.
Myspace should
not be a receding physical space where we hide. It should be our empire, ever-expanding,
growing rich soaking in diverse experiences, good, bad, or even ugly. We must reach
beyond the immediate surroundings bypassing local irritants. It is good to
exclude, isolate and avoid mean and selfish people. We can always find someone like-minded.
I have reached out and established bridges with many people, avoiding irritants.
My readers[2] have extended my Myspace
to all the continents making it beautiful and meaningful.
May the New Year bring you
many avenues and opportunities to push the envelope of your Myspace to all
corners of the world. May your Myspace become more vibrant and filled
with joy.
PS: My sincerest Gratitude to you for taking the time to read my blogs and books. Wishing you my dear reader, A very Happy New Year to you and all your loved ones.
[1] From Loneliness to Solitude: A Walk Away https://jacobshorizon.blogspot.com/2020/05/from-loneliness-to-solitude-walk-away.html
[2]
The first book is titled Dare Dream Different
and the second one is titled The Second Bullet
