DROWNED IN A SEA OF QUESTIONS

One can only stand in awe when one analyses the way one is brought to this world.  Mystery shrouds the way one fades away from it.  One doesn’t even bother to look as to how one traverses life’s winding paths. It is, as if, one just gets dropped, sneaks around and then is just flushed out. Something like a drop and pick arrangement. Most of us find this ‘drop and pick arrangement’ as our life’s journey in its entirety and find nothing wrong or strange in it. (What the hell can we do about it attitude!). One can truly exist blissfully unaware of one’s own future, divinely happy at being able to forget the past and mostly insensitive to life’s present tense! Blissful ignorant existence!

For some, life’s sole mission becomes a quest for answers to few questions. Who am I?  Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Who will give me the answer or help me find them? How do I know what should my life’s mission be? What is the purpose of my life? Seemingly simple questions! The first lot, the blissfully ignorant ones, to which most of us belong, make up the commoners. The second lot, the few uncommon ones, take time off from living, plunge themselves into a passionate search of answers.

Most of these uncommon people, in the normal course however, never find mention anywhere! In fact most of these poor things are disowned by their own kith and kin since the quest these folks undertake evoke no material benefits! It just doesn’t fill stomachs leave alone coffers. These seekers therefore, are often dubbed as lotus-eaters. (May be some do eventually become lotus-eaters and it is also true that most lotus eaters find this garb easy to wear. All thinkers are not necessarily lotus-eaters and all lotus-eaters necessarily need not be thinkers). The lucky ones, of these few, do manage to find the method in the existing madness and fewer out of the few muster enough courage to tell the world of their success. They become instant toasts as “Gurus”. The cash registers start ringing. They find the means. The same folks who wrote them off then try and find methods to own the guru and patent his knowledge.

I am, not by any chance or stretch of imagination, in any of these leagues. - I can’t bring myself to it. May be, I am in transition. I suppose that is the best way to say it. Yet, I need to find answers to some of these questions.  Before it is too late! Before I lose this chance forever – as I understand now! Time is at a premium. How much, more time do I have?

Who am I? Am I, just what my name sounds? Am I, just the bones and flesh that I carry?  Why are we born? Why did I become what I’ve become?

Why do I think the way I think?

Why did I find myself in the surroundings that I find myself in?

These questions have never ever disturbed me as it does now. May be I was busy living, busy striving to meet expectations of people who gave birth to me, shaped me and my thought process, shaped my dreams and controlled my thoughts and everything about me and my existence.

That is another sad part of life.

I had no control on where I was born. Nobody gave me a choice to decide which family I must be born into.  I have siblings too. I never chose them and I don’t think even they know why we are together. Why were we bundled into the place we were? My memory doesn’t take me to a place or time or incident in this life or even the ones before where I had made this choice. (Thank God for small mercies, for if the choice had been given, the world would have been monotonous and we would have been inbreeding ourselves to extinction)

My dad’s economic and social standing decided what I ate, what I wore, what I saw, where I went and finally where I slept. Consequently my dreams and aspirations were directly or indirectly influenced. My very being was shaped by circumstances that I had no control over. My life’s ambitions, the way I thought, the way I perceived things around me and beyond me, the way I took happiness, sadness, the way I shared everything and even the horizons of my dreams were discreetly and indiscreetly influenced. So, I am, what I am with no control over myself or on what I have become.

What a pity! A living being with no control of his past, present or his future! The poor mighty man who rules the earth!!

Why do I have to work and feed others?  - Just because they are fellow travellers in this long journey? We don’t know when it started, and well, we don’t know where and when it will all end. Did they choose to travel with me? I am called a guardian to these fellow beings because one happens to be a lady who agreed to bring forth my children. Why that lovely lady agreed to be my mate is another matter of research, since for her I was a matter of conscious choice. What binds me to them and them to me? Each question, I ask begets an endless string of questions, which in turn begets a few more chains!!

Why do we meet people we meet- Just because they are born in a given place and time? Why do people behave the way they do? Why did I meet you? Who brought us together? Who decided that we must meet? Who decided we should travel together for a miniscule of time in this endless expanse of time and space? What is our business with each other?

Why do we like people we like? Why do we love people we love? What is the difference between “love” and “like”? What differentiates love and lust?

Is the entire process of living defined by the urge to have ones progeny roaming the earth in better surroundings happier healthier and safer? What is happiness? What is it that makes one feel safe? How do I decide what makes my children happy? If I don’t know that how do I know what I must do to make them happy? If wealth and cars and places made people happy no rich man would be unhappy!! In fact many of them need some kind of therapy to keep them even going. (The poor, may be, can’t afford it, so don’t feel the need).

So I didn’t know what my needs were. What I got, was given to me by my father’s wish, ignorant of my own wishes! I don’t know what my kids actually need and I give what I think will make them happy. May be they will like it, love it or just hate it. Is what I give them in their best interests? What are those things that are in their best interest? Confusing concentric circles!!

What happened to people who came before me and have gone from here? Where have they gone? Is there anyway I can contact them? If we can establish the path before birth to the scrotum of a male and the ovum of a female and study the entire process of foetal formation why can’t we study the entire path of death or life after life?

Who decides our fate?? (What is fate anyway??) Is there actually something called fate?

These are a few questions that have been haunting me for sometime. My quest to find answers would get me labelled mad or irresponsible since a full time pursuit of answers to these questions would involve relentless tireless endless search with nothing else in mind. If I immerse myself in that search, I stand the risk of starving, being stoned or being taken to a psychiatric asylum for the rest of my life. Since I am not unstable enough to merit clinical assistance, let me start my search slowly as it evolves without fear of starvation, without fear of being stoned and without being exiled.

I love this life a lot. I want to live. I want to live answering my questions. I want to live even after that

I will take each question as it comes, analyse it and try and find answers to the very best of my ability though, I know for sure it is limited in depth, range and hue. The questions are mine. The search is mine and naturally the answers are for me too. Yet if you too were faced with a similar situation, my fellow traveller, do find your way already travelled. You may find it easier. If you find something new do let me know too.

In a sea of questions I find myself drowned.

For answers to each within myself I searched

In a whirlpool of choices I find myself drowned

For elusive enlightenment within myself I searched