“I need my space” is a common
refrain in agitated conversations between closely or intimately related
individuals. It happens when one feels that one’s spatial or emotional boundary
has been trespassed. Even small children now demand their Myspace.
I find it difficult to
comprehend the concept of an exclusive Myspace because I grew up in a
joint family. Siblings, and cousins, shared everything. We were okay with eating
from each other's plates and wearing one another's clothes. In the school
hostel, which consumed most of my childhood and adolescence, we shared cups,
plates, snacks, food, and clothes. Smokers amongst us clandestinely got
together to pull on the precious cigarette. We were united in our fear of being
caught by the teacher and the craving to do something elders openly did. The
only resentment was voiced when some, still novices, wet the cigarette end. Myspace
was alien.
A few years later, I got
married. The lady who walked into my life assumed free access to all my
physical possessions. She never asked to be permitted. I was conditioned well
enough to share my possessions. On the emotional plane, she was privy to all my
aspirations and apprehensions, dreams and despair, strengths, and weaknesses.
We just coexisted in every possible way. We had two children. They grew up with
free access to everything physical and emotional I owned. My four grandchildren
have inherited free access to every nook and corner in my house and mind. I am
over 65 and happily married for over 38. Myspace remains an alien.
Speaking to people who
regularly talk about ‘myspace,’ I realised it is less about geographical
boundaries to claim a personal space but more about erecting barricades in
their mind space to secure themselves from intrusions and scrutiny of prying
eyes. Physical distance was merely a means to erect insurmountable fences to
emotionally distance oneself from others. Otherwise, it was to do something hidden
from others. On the face of it, people asking to be left alone demand a
physical space they can call theirs, be themselves and be free to think or do
what they like. It may appear to be a very reasonable explanation. Does it mean, out
of their personal space they are not themselves? When someone claims a
physically segregated location for Myspace to be cocooned therein for
long is that person not avoiding people?
Wanting to spend time alone to pursue a hobby or finish a task without disturbance is okay. iI is also okay to be alone for a short while to tide over a bad mood or to hide an emotional outburst. But wanting to be left alone or locking oneself away from others as a habit is a telltale sign of something grievous that merits assistance. It normally points to, diffidence, trust deficit, fear, guilt, or poor self-esteem. If your child is doing so and insisting on keeping you out then it is time to investigate without being intrusive. Your timely intervention could be a lifesaver. If your spouse is doing so, you have missed all the other signs and it is time for you both, to sit down to talk. Between friends, it is a sign of distance. If a physical space, devoid of others, is what we consider Myspace then we are driven to loneliness. We could be mistaking loneliness for solitude[1]. Myspace to its owners is their comfort zone and secure getaway. Getaway from what? Mostly they liked to be left alone. Why should a person want to be left out? Is not leaving someone alone, letting that person become a castaway?
Can physical boundaries
separate us from the thoughts that torment us? Some think, that moving away
from the environment they are in, can help them carve out their Myspace. It
is a fallacy. Physical distances are no barriers to thoughts. Closed doors
cannot stop thoughts, fears, and inadequacies from haunting us. They are not
just our inseparable companions but coming from within they define us. We
cannot run away from ourselves however hard we try. If we feel the need
to move out of a place to carve out our Myspace away from others, it is
likely we are being overwhelmed by people, events or even our environment. The
answer lies not in surrendering our weapons and withdrawing but in committing
ourselves to address the causes. We must first identify the adversaries and adversities
and then strategize to overcome our inadequacies, confront our adversaries, and
manage our environment. Easier said than done, that is the best way forward.
How many battles can we bolt from?
We cannot exist in isolation.
We need to draw physiological and emotional nourishment from our surroundings.
How well we do it will dictate how well we grow. Success depends on our ability
to adapt. Retreating into illusionary safe cocoons would only provide temporary
relief. Such safe havens only bring our far-away battles closer to us and even
into us. It takes us away from reality, weakens us and makes reintegration
difficult and time-consuming. There are better coping techniques than
withdrawal.
With many spiritual gurus,
management experts, and life coaches talking about creating individual myspace
and spending time alone there, how can it be negative? A place in seclusion,
allowing us to recede from the current events, and people, weakens us and could
even prompt us to stop fighting. Negative thoughts, much like the social media
posts that we see fetching more of the same variety, invite more negative thoughts
triggering adverse responses.
Myspace should
not be a receding physical space where we hide. It should be our empire, ever-expanding,
growing rich soaking in diverse experiences, good, bad, or even ugly. We must reach
beyond the immediate surroundings bypassing local irritants. It is good to
exclude, isolate and avoid mean and selfish people. We can always find someone like-minded.
I have reached out and established bridges with many people, avoiding irritants.
My readers[2] have extended my Myspace
to all the continents making it beautiful and meaningful.
May the New Year bring you
many avenues and opportunities to push the envelope of your Myspace to all
corners of the world. May your Myspace become more vibrant and filled
with joy.
PS: My sincerest Gratitude to you for taking the time to read my blogs and books. Wishing you my dear reader, A very Happy New Year to you and all your loved ones.
[1] From Loneliness to Solitude: A Walk Away https://jacobshorizon.blogspot.com/2020/05/from-loneliness-to-solitude-walk-away.html
[2]
The first book is titled Dare Dream Different
and the second one is titled The Second Bullet
Thank you for writing on a very important aspect of personality, Sir. We need both sharing and space, but at different times, for different needs, and different durations, and to different levels.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for the comment.
DeleteI agree with you on your articulation about differential needs for space and the need to share. The examples of sharing mentioned in the article merely points out the ease with which people like me, conditioned to share while growing up, find creating inclusive mind space called Myspace. The focus of the article is to highlight the contemporary trend to convert physical spaces into impregnable fortresses and calling it myspace. With all the deference privacy demands, I was advocating for interactive mind space called Myspace that is inclusive and ever expanding outwards.
Thanks Sir, you have hit the nail on its head. In one NCC camp of the school we 3 friends had inly one plate left to share by thr end of the cam. In the present day, cellphone messages are the first intimate personal space. Also, our scrolling history which appears extremely personal space- not even to be shared with the most near person of life. Times change, we change or perish...
ReplyDeleteThe concept of Myspace mentioned here does not infringe on the individual's right to privacy. While privacy is more a physical entity, myspace discussed here is about an emotional realm.
DeleteThank you very much
Very nice article.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much
DeleteIt is a very important issue troubling all of us as parents. Everyday the distance between us and our children is increasing. Also they are leading i a life cocooned away from society. As always it makes interesting reading. Look fwd to more
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. The problem of the contemporary generation of parents and children is the emotional disconnect. While children in this part of the world have become more demanding for materialistic things parents with more disposable income are inclined to meet all the demands without appropriate consideration of the age of the child and the necessity of the demand made. It is often considered a status symbol to provide the child and whatever he or she as ask for just to showcase the parents purchasing power or social standing. Parents often do not understand or comprehend how the emotional growth of the child must be handle and how he or she must be guided to create a fertile myspace
DeleteVery relevant thought for today's times.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much
DeleteI learnt about My Space on landing in Canada. My wife, our children – all wanted their spaces. I landed in Canada two years after them and they were more used to the Canadian aspect of My Space than I.
ReplyDeleteOnce, I knocked at the door of our son’s room and entered. He said “Dad, this is my room.”
“I knocked,” I replied.
“You could have waited for my response,” was his take and I respect it till date.
My Space between persons is the comfortable distance between yourself and another person. If someone invades that space, the person feels uncomfortable.
In any relationship, it is all about putting put yourself first and do things that make you feel good about yourself. This can help you be in a better mindset to take care of your relationship.
Thank you very much for the detailed comment with examples. The article by no means recommends infringement of an individual's privacy. That must be respected irrespective of the age of the person we are dealing with. There should be clear cut boundaries that should not be trespassed.
DeleteThe article attempts sto differentiate between the physical, emotional and perceptual aspects of the entity called Myspace.
It does have a physical dimension. There is a limit to which Physical dimensions myspace can grow. Myspace seen only in physical terms normally end up in closed door spaces with no scope for growth and always requiring defence against any intrusions. The emphasis in the article is about the perceptual dimension of myspace. That dimension has scope for immense growth. Pushing the envelope then has innumerable possibilities.
Privacy must remain respected always.
ReplyDeleteGone are the days when parents used to decide what is best for their children. In this mobile and information age, it is better to allow the children to have their space instead of acting as a CCTV in their life. Parents constantly worry about children going heywire is understandable,but they can't be with them all the time. Most of the parents are working and the child is brought up by grandparents or servants hired as acting parents. A child brought up by them cannot be expected to tow the line of thinking of parents. Even at homes there are only limited occasions when working parents are together with the children.Hence a child craving for love and affection of parents end up getting closer to friends. Parents should be watchful of friends of children rather than spying on them. Getting friendly with friends of children and spending time with them will be a tool to know the mind of children. Giving children their space is the easiest way to make them independent and responsible is my take.
The article was not about parental control on children nor about how much parents shepherding them into future. The article is about privacy to isolate oneself from the environment in the name of Myspace and falling into the self defeating circle of loneliness and isolation from ones own society
DeleteSir,
ReplyDeleteYour musings on the subject is extra ordinarily brilliant . Well elaborated . Everyone is looking for their MySpace these days, may be due shrinking social acceptability . One looks for MySpace because others probably do not understand or accept certain views or behavior . Should one look for MySpace and get into a shell like a tortoise . Views can be divided .
Beautiful article as usual . Please accept my Applause and congratulations